"You no longer have coverage with Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Texas. If you feel you have received this message in error, please contact us."
This was the message I saw when I was checking up on my health insurance payment today. This was not the message I was expecting to see. I pay my premiums, and had just gotten a letter stating how BCBSTX had worked it out to where we could keep our insurance through November of next year.
So naturally, when I saw this message, I very nearly had a panic attack.
After over an hour of being on hold on the phone, it was cleared up. In order for me to keep my coverage through next year, they had to cancel the old policy on December 1st and reinstate a new one on the same day. The reason I got that terrifying message at the top was simply due to the website not showing the new plans yet.
They just didn't tell me that's how it worked, so I spent about an hour and a half being sick to my stomach and fantasizing about how I was going to make this work.
Health care for a 5 year old and an 18 month old isn't cheap, ya know.
But, like I said, it all worked out and nothing is changing for us right now. It will in the future, but I won't be blindsided by it like I was by this.
My freakout did show me one thing though. It showed me one thing I did not like at all.
It showed me that my faith, in that moment at least, was very weak.
As if the God who has carried us through 6 months of unemployment (twice!), brought our first son out of a dangerous birth with flying colors, done countless other things for us when everything was falling apart, and who has created the world and everything in it, couldn't handle the health needs of my family.
There is an interesting story in Mark chapter 9. A man's son has been possessed by a demon since childhood. It has thrown him into fire and water and has made him mute. It throws him into seizures where he foams at the mouth and becomes rigid.
The Jesus comes, the man brings his son, and says "if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
"If you can do anything".
I wonder how many times I have prayed with that attitude. Probably too much.
Jesus even makes a note of it. He replies, "'If you can'? Anything is possible for him who believes."
Here is where the boy's father realizes his own weakness. He knows he at least wants to believe. He knows he needs to believe. He knows enough to have faith in this man called the Messiah who has done so many great things that no one else could do.
And so this man, whose son is in need and who doesn't know what else to do, says what I think is one of the most honest statements in the Bible.
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
I think that this is how most people really are, even if they don't admit it. They believe, and they want more, but there is something holding them back from really, truly, fully putting their faith in Jesus. Sadly, I think a lot of people are so caught up in making sure they look the part of Christian that they fail to cry out "help my unbelief" for fear that they will not look as good or as strong or as faithful as they should in the eyes of other people.
What if, just what if, we opened our minds and our hearts to God and were truly honest about where we stand? What if we saw ourselves and each other not through the lens of thinking we all have to look perfect, but in the true lens of where we really are. What if we stopped playing games and were open to each other and God so that we could help each other and God could help us?
What if we started saying "I do believe! Help me to overcome my unbelief!"
I think I am going to start making that a regular part of my prayer life.
If you need to, will you?